Le Monde

Tales of the Dollar Store

I'm fascinated by Dollar stores for some reason - the merchandise, the seediness, the ambience - it's all so much fun.  Forthwith, some essays about my adventures with a dollar bill.

Bizarre Love Rituals of the Ultra-Thrifty.  2/13/02

Ah, Valentine's day. A holiday that appears to celebrate the love of spending large amounts of cash on people who probably won't like what you got them because they were expecting an emerald brooch or something.

(Not that I'm hinting or anything. Nope, not me.)

So, I'm racking my brains on what to do for Valentine's day, and the answer, unexpectedly, falls into my lap.

Specifically, it falls out of the "Money Mailer" coupon envelope we get in the mail every month. An ad for the local Dollar Store.

Wow! All my Valentine's needs can be met at the dollar store, it says! And it doesn't have to cost a fortune!

Pity the poor man who reads this ad and goes off to the dollar store. What fresh horrors will be awaiting his sweetie tomorrow? I thought I'd find out. And because I'm a cheap date, I set myself a budget of $10. Valentine's day is all about quantity, anyway, or else why would stores be touting two dozen long-stemmed red roses as being better than one?

Hmm. Actually, on first inspection, the dollar store doesn't have much of a Valentine selection. The small amount of heart stuff is overwhelmed by the pastel monolith of Easter goods. Considering the dollar store seems to be the clearing house for all the unsellable religious items manufactured (who *wants* nun figurines?), it makes sense that they would emphasize the biggest holiday in the Christian calendar.

(Christmas was co-opted by Satan long ago. All that red, you know.)

But still, among the pastel marshmallow candy is a small display of heart shaped goodies. I quickly snagged a bag of original Necco-brand Sweethearts[tm], because there's no better way to say "I luv you" than with a small, dusty-flavoured lump of sugar. I've examined the package all over, and have failed to find a Sell-by/Best-by date, thus confirming my suspicion that this stuff is not really food, per se.

Next to the Sweethearts was a stack of Peeps Hearts[tm], but I passed over them because I have a packet of them aging at home from last year.

(They're only going to be exploded in the microwave, anyway: "This is my heart." *beep*beep*whirrrrrrr*expand*expand*expand* "This is my heart after you buy me a three-carat emerald bracelet. Any questions?")

Really, the candy display yielded unexpected treasures - I discovered a heart-shaped box of "Milk Chocolates with Hazelnut Praline Filling" for only a dollar. I *had* to get these, though I'm not sure I'll ever eat them (especially since they're made by a company called Candy Tech). The package says "For You", elliminating any need for those pesky Valentine's day cards that never say quite the right thing.

Lastly, I picked up a bag of what I thought were called "Luv Pups" ("ooh! candy hot dogs! How cute!"), but were actually "Luv *Pops*", cherry flavoured heart-shaped lollipops with Mickey and Minnie Mouse on the wrappers. I assume these are designed for the harried mother who has to buy Valentine presents for her child's entire Kindergarten class of 50.

(I think I'll inflict them on my co-workers.)

Moving on to: Flowers! Yes, you can get two dozen red roses here, and they won't die, ever! The roses thing always stumps me. I mean, I like getting them, but why should fresh, farm-grown roses that die in three days be better than silk roses that last a lifetime (with a little light dusting now and then)? But anyway. I calculated that for three dollars I could get a dozen and a half roses (or Easter lilies, but I think I'm the only person that associates those things with funerals, so I'm the only person that would actually *want* a bunch of these from my valentine). But I held back, because after all, I still had only $10, and I wanted to get the most bang for my buck, as it were.

Speaking of banging, the two most disturbing things I found were the baby bottle covered with hearts ("Ummm, honey? What are you trying to tell me?"), and the balloon-on-a-stick-that-says-I-Love-You with a new twist: It inflates *after* you buy it.

Except that it describes itself as "auto-inflatable", which just sounds too like a really hideous sex toy for words.

(I'm going to get a lot of Google hits on this entry, aren't I?)

Jewelry: What's Valentine's day without a little over-priced mineral set into a cheap gold necklace? Well, okay, not from the dollar store. But over in the children's section you can pick up all kinds of stuff that looks sort of like real jewelry if you turn the lights down low. And squint.

I looked at necklaces and bracelets, but finally decided on a "ring for every day of the week" set, with an added bonus of hot-pink metallic heart-shaped sunglasses, thereby staying within the whole "heart-valentine-pink" theme. The rings are very fetching, though they have a slight tendency to snap if pressed too hard against something. And I can't wait to go to a party sporting my new Movie-Star style sunglasses.

Last stop (and my last two bucks, because I blew $3 on stuff I actually wanted): Figurines. The expensive tasteful choice would be Lladro or Dresden, the expensive tacky choice would be Precious Moments[tm], but here we get the cheap tacky choices! I found a touchingly sweet bear diorama, where one bear is shooting heart-loaded arrows, and the other is holding the quiver in an "I am your ammo-monkey of love" pose. Not bad, but I really scraped the bottom of the barrel when I found...

er... its... its... well, I'm not really sure *what* it is, but it's four/$1, and it has hearts on it. There were only two choices in this ultra-cheap category, but I got two of each, and they have taken on an interesting "Bookends from HELL" aspect sitting on my desk. I'm not sure what I'll do with them, but I'm thinking ritual burning. They really are something. If I actually got something like this for Valentine's day, I would have no choice but to kill the person who gave them to me, and then kill myself in what the New York Post would call a "Bizarre Love Slaying Ritual Kills Two Shock".

Kind of romantic, when you think about it.

Dollar store days  3/26/03

I found out yesterday at the dollar store (shut up, I was buying party goods) that some toy manufacturers are wasting no time capitalizing on the "Homeland Security" angle - I found "Homeland Defense" toy packs - guns and handcuffs and billy clubs packaged up so your child can pretend to be an Agent of the State. Creepy, non?

All the packaged sets had guns and badges, but the "FBI" version of the pack also included sunglasses. I got that one - it's going to be one of the door prizes at the party. Nothing says Retro '50s like state-sponsored paranoia.

I don't know whether to laugh or be horrified - perhaps I can manage a bit of both - at this sudden influx of cheap current events oriented toys (they also had a set of soldiers with accessories called "Freedom Force"). Obviously they're stuff that's been around, and someone just did up a new graphic (and a pretty cheesy one at that) and packaging. Cheap, but clever in a twisted, exploitative kind of way.

But, would anyone (other than a 30-something with a rich sense of irony) actually buy this toy? Just looking at the packaging gave me the shudders. However, I'm sure there are people out there that think something like this is perfectly appropriate for their child - probably the same sort of person that feels patriotic fervour instead of a creeping sense of unease when they see the "Protect the Homeland - Inform on Your Neighbours" signs on the Beltway.

*sigh* Though I suppose it's not so far removed from the "anti-communist" slanted toys of the Fifties.

That, of course, being the reason that I bought it. Oh, well.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I do love the dollar store, even though I razz on it constantly - it's just full to the rafters with the craziest stuff. With Easter coming up, I have my choice of the ickiest bunny stuff I've ever laid eyes on. Even if I was having an Easter party for *blind* kids, I wouldn't use some of this stuff.

(Okay, now I'm picturing an Easter-egg *hunt* for blind kids. Sue me for being non-PC, but it's making me giggle a bit.)

What I particularly like is watching what other people buy. Sometimes you see people who are obviously doing their monthly shopping; their carts are full to the brim of cheap knock-offs of name brand cleaning stuff and household goods.

Then there are the ancient old ladies, often in pairs, discussing the merits of this and that, looking for a bargain on (presumably) a limited income. Pity the poor grandchild that gets gifts from the dollar store - even the chocolate tastes cheap. You have to watch out for the old biddies, too - they'll hit you with their carts if they think you're blocking them from the cheap stuff.

Yesterday there was a tall, deep-voiced, gentle-looking woman in the checkout line ahead of me, buying 30 or so cheap cardboard children's books. I like to speculate about this kind of purchase. Church group? Day-care center? Catholic family? At a dollar each, the books were probably too good a bargain to pass up.

I mean, have you *seen* the prices of children's books these days? Some of them are as expensive as those glossy coffee-table art books, so I suppose the dollar store is a godsend to a busy mother on a limited income.

Mind you, I've never found a book *I* wanted to buy in a dollar store, but then, I don't have children. The books for adults are a collection of religious books, "7 Secrets of Highly Successful Hamsters" -type books, and biographies of obscure government officials that didn't sell even on the remaindered table at the bookstores. If you actually pick one up and peruse it, you'll see there's a good reason why they didn't sell. I guess if they don't sell at the dollar store, they're either given to unsuspecting charities, or burned.

Mmmm, toasty.

Gifts on a Budget.  12/6/01

Okay. It's gift-giving season, but you're broke. What to do, what to do? It's easy to shop on a budget, especially if you follow my advice...

Laura's Guide To Giving Gifts on a Severe Budget!

Oh dear, oh dear. You have no money, and a bunch of grasping, greedy people who will whine mercilessly if you don't get them presents.

Consider the joys of the Dollar Store this year. Come with me, and we will take a tour of your local discount emporium...

Stop 1: Check out the fine diplay of extruded plastic ornamental figurines by the front door. If you live in a particularly high-end area, these ornaments may even be something they call "porcelain", or even glass "crystal". They are advertised as "hand-painted", probably by blind orphans in Guatemala, to judge by the quality. Who wouldn't want one of these? Make sure to insist that it be put on display immediately, in a prominent location, so that everyone can admire it.

Stop 2: Christmas ornaments. Imagine the joy on your recipient's face when presented with a pack of exotic plastic santas, imported all the way from China or Taiwan! There's also little birds and snowmen to choose from! All provided with little tangled loops of gold string, ready to hang on the tree! Nothing dresses up a tree like a plastic santa... or maybe it's a cardinal, who can tell?

Stop 3: Last year's make-up selections. For the woman (or man) in your life who always wanted to look like a cheap hooker, there are many choices here, from glitter eyeshadow banned by the FDA for being a health hazard, to nail polish pre-separated for your convenience! These are particularly good value, as you can often get them 2/$1, so you look generous without breaking the bank! Don't overlook the possibilities of cheap plastic hair ornaments, either. Your stylish Aunt Edith is really going to dig a selection of pink hair bows with cartoon animals attached!

Stop 4: Household goods. How many times have you been over at your Cousin Bertha's house, and heard her say, "If only I had a ---, my life would be complete"? Well, it's all here! the best part is it will be sure to break before next Christmas, so you can give the same thing again and again! Spatulas, containers, frying pans coated with that special kind of easy-flake Teflon, plastic cooking spoons that melt on contact with hot water - the choices are endless.

Stop 5: Pet products. Rover can't tell if that food's a year or more old - he'll just wolf it all down and throw it up, anyway. For a more lasting gift, buy him a collar that won't come undone, ever, not even if he gets tangled in the fence he digs under all the time.

Stop 6: Books. Everyone likes to read, and here you have it all! Inspirational books by noted evangelical leaders, bible stories for children, books of religious word games for the illiterate, and Bible word games by noted evangelical kids. If your relatives don't believe in God, don't worry, they will after you give them the book of Amazing True Miracles as Witnessed by Everyday People Who Love Jesus!

Stop 7: Food. Forget overpriced Cheese Logs and Summer Sausage - nothing says loving like candy from Mexico! How about that bag of cookies made from banned food dyes? Or that super-giant economy-sized cardboard box of generic brand chips? What a deal!

Stop 8, and our last stop: Gift wrap. Don't overlook the versatility of paper bows - why buy expensive bags or wrapping paper? Get the 100-pack of strangely-coloured but festive bows (only slightly sun-faded), and stick them on the dollar store shopping bag! Your friends and family will then know what a thrifty and thoughtful shopper you are, and appreciate you all the more!

If anyone complains, tell them you gave all your money to charity, and don't let them know about the X-Box you got for yourself. After all, this holiday is all about giving, and who is more deserving of a nice present than you?

Ho, ho, ho.