Forays into the World of Backdoor Medicine. 1/18/05
I get lots and lots of junk mail/catalogues, because I buy mail-order, and I donate to charities. The charity mailings are usually good for a few mis-spelled address labels, and the catalogues are often fascinating, and quite amusing, if not very useful. I really think, though, that the junk mail experience reaches its apotheosis in the direct mailer.
You know these things - an envelope arrives in the mail, and it's filled with index-card sized ads for various things. They're often themed - medical stuff, home stuff, local businesses - sometimes, they can even be slightly useful. My favourite one is the gardening-themed one - I can fantasize about really big tillers and earth-moving equipment (did you know you can buy personal-sized bulldozers? You can get anything).
However, some pretty odd stuff can creep in to those envelopes. I suppose, if you have the money, they send it out, no questions asked. I don't mind most of it, but there's one that came in the last mailing that had a message I thought I should share with all of you.
No, no, don't thank me - I'm just doing my part to educate you on the wonders of thorough colon cleansing.
'Cause, you know a clean colon is the path to health and happiness, right? I'm sure you've all heard the report that says Elvis died with 60 pounds of compacted matter in his colon, right? Of course you have.
(Of course, it's not true, but we won't let ugly facts get in the way of our great idea.)
The cause of all this is apparently internal parasites. Big, nasty, internal parasites that inhabit the digestive systems of 10-90% of American childrens' delicate little intestinal systems.
(That's a good number, isn't it? with a range of 10-90% - no-one can ever accuse them of not having accurate numbers to back up their findings.)
Anyway, this delightful wad of knowledge appeared in a gardening mailer, folded in quarters, 6 pages long, and started "Dear friend". I don't know how anyone could have doubted the veracity of this missive - except that it's all a load of, well, undigested fecal matter.
Five pages of horror stories about people being completely unaware that they have so many internal parasites that their digestive system is home to the entire worm population of Cleveland, finished off with an ad for "cleansing" teas and pills.
...And testimonials from people who started voiding vast numbers of parasites after trying the program. Either they are remarkably unobservant, or those teas have a little something "extra", if you know what I mean.
Oooh, the colours.
...And the pictures. They're nice enough to include photos of the parasites - roundworm (which I thought was a fungus - no wait, that's ring worm), tape worms, liver flukes - all sorts of good stuff. Apparently, we've all been unknowingly harbouring them for years, showering them with all the Big Macs and Domino's Pizza they need to survive. The tea and pills are our only hope!
The tea and pills will cause us to excrete worms for months! The tea and pills are only $69.95 (plus $7.95 shipping and handling) for a thirty day supply (and you can get more if you want to take the stuff for two months for only an additional $27.95)!
One doctor from Rhode Island tried it on his patients after finding parasites at the cellular level!
(Even though everyone else is claiming to see them with the naked eye, but hey, he's a doctor.)
Honestly? I think they put worms in the capsules.
But don't listen to cynical old me! Read, instead, the incoherent (and somewhat icky) testimonials from satisfied customers! F.M., from San Francisco writes:
"I had heaviness, bloating, irregular bowel movements and constipation, bitterness in the mouth, and my tongue was coated with something."
(Yes, those coated tongues can be nasty. You know what clears that feeling? Gin. Don't forget the olive.)
Alternatively, I.B. from Southfield writes:
"For 3 weeks, we passed repulsive things. I think they were all the
debris accumulated in our colons."
(Debris? What debris? Old bricks? leftover construction material? What are these people putting in their colons?)
(Wait, I've changed my mind - I don't want to know.)
I don't know about you, but I'm sold. I'd much rather trust medical advice from a pamphlet included in my gardening mailer that go to an actual doctor with degrees, and stuff.
Remember, the Royal Academy of Physicians of Great Britain has stated that 90% of disease and discomfort is directly or indirectly linked to an unclean colon.
(The RAPGB is comprised of Bill the second assistant under-gardener, and his friend Jim, who always wanted to be a doctor, but lacked the necessary teeth. You can write to them c/o The Grange, Mumbles-on-the-Wold, Lincs. Address it to Bill, because Jim tends to eat the envelopes if they're addressed to him, as he hasn't been quite right in the head since the unfortunate incident with the wheelbarrow.)